


Unconquerable Soul

by Gedry



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amputation, Car Accidents, Friends to Lovers, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 09:32:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13210926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gedry/pseuds/Gedry
Summary: Gabriel’s been a paramedic for years.  He’s good at what he does even if half the department can’t stand his attitude.  Things get complicated when he becomes the patient after a rescue effort goes horribly wrong.  Now Gabriel has to redefine his life and his body while he struggles to understand what’s going on between him and his best friend Dean.





	Unconquerable Soul

**Author's Note:**

> **Author’s Notes:** I have to take a moment to give special thanks to mmara who was kind enough to answer many very invasive questions in the hopes that I could write this story with details and have them be at least somewhat accurate. I don’t have the words to thank you.

**Unconquerable Soul**

“What do we got?” Dean’s voice rings out above the crowd as Gabriel rolls into the ER for the second time that night, and it’s only a little after three in the morning. 

“Male, twenty two, high speed impact into a tree off of Cove Road,” Gabriel lists off as they rush the kid down the hallway to the triage room. “Single car accident with no passengers. Driver ejected from the vehicle upon impact. Lacerations to his neck and face as well as torso. Looks like his knee is blown out but hard to tell for sure. Pulse rate is solid but he stopped breathing on his own on the way in. No wallet, no ID.” 

“Oh,” Dean says cheerily. “Human cannonball.”

Gabriel laughs to the surrounding medical staff’s horror. But hey, it’s a rough job. You have to have a little fun with it or you go crazy, especially on the night shift. He and his partner, Pam step back and let the ER staff go to work. Once everything is signed and delivered, they back out of the room and head for the truck to report in. 

Dean sticks his head out of triage long enough to ask, “We still on for coffee?”

“Aren’t we always?” Gabriel teases. “See you at seven.”

“You’ll be late!” Dean accuses. It’s true though, Gabriel never gets off his shift on time. 

“You’ll wait for me!” Gabriel shouts back as he heads out the door to the loading and unloading area. That’s true too. Dean always does. 

He waits for it as he starts the truck – Pam’s never been one to let a pretty face go by unchecked. 

“So,” she comments as she buckles herself in. “That’s the infamous Dean Winchester I hear so much about?”

“Back off sister,” Gabriel warns with a grin. “He’s off limits.”

She laughs at him. “I didn’t know coffee was a euphemism for your love affair with him Gabe.”

“It’s not,” Gabriel snorts. “Dean’s been through a lot. He’s not the hook up kind of guy, at least not any more.”

He doesn’t mention that Dean’s divorce was only final less than a month ago. It’s not his place. Besides Gabriel’s still too pissed off at Lisa for leaving in the first place; not to mention they way she just drops the ‘By the way, Ben’s not yours’ bomb on the way out the door. So on the bright side Dean gets out of paying child support and on the bad side he loses out on raising the kid he thought was his too. 

Life’s a bitch sometimes. It’s why Gabriel never gets involved with anyone. So yeah, people joke that Dean is his most intimate relationship, and they’re right. Gabriel doesn’t let anyone in on purpose. You don’t get hurt that way. The only reason he keeps Dean around is that they’ve been friends since Gabriel started this job five years ago and for all the teasing and snapping they do at one another Dean’s never let him down. 

So the guy gets special privileges, even if he is a nurse. 

“Just so we’re clear though,” Pam presses just looking for a reaction. “He’s not yours right? I might still have a shot.”

“Oh he’s mine,” Gabriel answers with an evil grin. “And I don’t share.”

“Selfish,” Pam jokes, poking him in the arm. 

Gabriel doesn’t waste his breath arguing. It’s the truth. 

They head back to base with plans to get cleaned up and maybe grab some food. That’s the thing about this job some nights are quiet and you nap or work on writing a novel or some shit. Tonight is not one of those nights. 

Gabriel swerves in time to miss the car jerking into their lane on the highway. He cusses at the driver before reaching for the radio to report the clown’s plates to the local police. He’s halfway through bringing it up to his mouth to bark at dispatch when the car crashes into a pick up truck and slams them both into the center divider. They jerk to a stop behind the accident. It’s not their call, not their area but Gabriel’s never been one to follow procedure and any argument Pam might have made is quickly shut down when they hear a woman’s voice screaming in the pick up truck. 

They’re first responders it’s what they do. He puts in a call for back up with a brief description of the accident before they’re both hauling out their gear and heading toward the wreck. 

Gabriel motions for Pam to check out the pick up since it’s closer to the divider and farther from the road. She’s good at her job but she’s still new; instinct takes time to develop and for being as much of an ass as Gabriel knows he is in life he’s a damn good trainer. He puts himself on point. 

The guy in the car is smashed six ways to Sunday and passed out behind the wheel. Gabriel reaches in through the broken window and checks for a pulse. He finds one and figures that’s a good thing. They can at least prosecute the dumb ass later. He’s halfway through trying to get some basic information from the guy who only answers about a third of the time when he hears breaks squealing behind him and turns to see what’s going on. 

There’s a car coming at him. 

Gabriel doesn’t have time to run. He thrusts his hand inside the driver’s open window and uses it as leverage to get his body up and off the ground. It’s a good idea, it saves his life. 

But it doesn’t save his leg. 

Gabriel feels pain and hears something that sounds like shattering glass, then nothing but blackness. 

*****

There are snatches of things he catches. None of it makes any sense. Gabriel swears he hears Dean’s voice screaming for people to get out of the way and then yelling again for people to hurry up. 

He’s pretty sure he hears Dean sobbing in the distance at one point but that can’t be right because in five years the only time Dean Winchester has ever cried in front of him was the night Lisa told him about Ben and why the hell would Gabriel be thinking about that right now?

He hears something about a car to pedestrian collision and feels bad for whoever the walker was because those never end well. There’s something he’s supposed to remember, something about lights and loud noises but he just can’t get there. 

Someone touches his forehead gently and Dean whispers, “It’s okay, we’ll get you through this. I’ll be right here.”

The world slips away. 

When he opens his eyes Gabriel recognizes the nasty yellow tile ceiling of the hospital right off the bat. He groans and tries to flap uncoordinated and unhelpful arms as he wrinkles up his face and rolls his head around. 

Everything hurts, but only from the waist up. 

He turns to his left and finds Dean sitting in a chair by his bed. 

“I’m late for coffee right?” He offers weakly. 

It’s a relief to see Dean smile even though it’s weak and his friend looks like he’s been awake for days. “You’re way late,” Dean offers with a nod. “I waited for you.”

“You always do,” Gabriel comments before he watches Dean’s face twist like he’s holding back something that is threatening to rip him apart. 

“Tell me,” he whispers. 

“Let me call the nurse,” Dean says and he leans over the bed on his way to hit the call button. 

“No,” Gabriel insists, grabbing his friends hand and holding it with his own until Dean’s watery eyes turn to face him completely. “I want you to tell me.”

“Gabriel,” Dean whispers. “Please.”

The sharp edge of panic burns into his brain at how sad and scared Dean looks just then. His eyes prick with tears and Gabriel shakes his head fiercely when he demands. “You, just you. Not them. Please Dean. I can’t fall apart in front of them. I don’t know them. I don’t trust them. I can deal with you. I don’t want them to see me weak.”

Dean makes a noise like he’s in pain and Gabriel takes a shuttering breath as his hands start to shake and his anxiety rises. “Are my legs gone?” he blurts. 

“What?” Dean gasps. “Why would you think that?”

“I can’t feel anything below my waist,” Gabriel explains shakily. “Am I paralyzed? What the fuck is wrong with me damn it!”

He hears the door to his room crack open and everything in his body goes tense. Dean reacts to the whimpered, “No no no no no no,” coming out of his mouth by turning and waving whoever is at the door back out of the room. Once he’s sure they’re gone Dean sighs and rubs his free hand over his face before he meets Gabriel eyes with a level gaze. 

“Do you remember the accident?” 

“Not much,” Gabriel admits. “I remember noises and lights. I got hit by a car?”

“Yeah,” Dean nods, “It pinned you against the other car you were working on. You were smart Gabriel; you got most of your body out of the way. It saved your life.”

“Most of my body?” Gabriel asks and can’t resist the urge to bite his lip. 

“The car crushed part of your left leg.” Dean answers. “You’ve had a trans-tibial amputation on your left side.”

It takes a moment for him to process. 

“They cut off my fucking leg?” Gabriel snarls and he can feel himself start to panic. “No Dean. No!” He struggles but he can’t make his body move and finally the first sob of frustration and fear works its way up out of his throat. Dean cups the back of his head gently and presses their foreheads together. 

“It’s a spinal block,” Dean explains. “That’s why you can’t feel your legs. It’s going to wear off soon. You have some cuts and bruises but other than your leg you’re fine. It’s a few inches below the knee. They have pressure bandages on it right now so they’re going to have to come in a change them a few times a day. I called Cas. He’s on his way but the weather was so bad it took him two days to get a flight out. I’ve been here the whole time. We’re going to get through this Gabriel. I’m not going to leave you. I’ll be right here.”

When he doesn’t answer Dean gives him a little shake and says, “Gabe? Are you with me?”

The sobbing takes him by surprise. Gabriel feels like everything in his life is suddenly falling apart and for a man who cherishes control more than anything else it’s a terrifying concept. All of the ways he’s defined himself have involved two legs. Gabriel’s a paramedic, a runner, he and Dean play basketball badly on their weekends off. All he can focus on is everything he’s lost with his leg. Who is he if he can’t be that man anymore? 

“I can’t do this,” he stammers while Dean eases himself into the hospital bed with him and holds him close. Like saying the words will reverse time and maybe he doesn’t get out of the truck this time. Maybe he drives them home another way. 

“Yes you can,” Dean replies. He doesn’t leave any room are argument. The door to the room stays shut while Gabriel cries himself out in his friend’s arms.

“Am I going to be able to walk?” Gabriel finally whispers.

Dean snorts, “You’re going to walk the hell up out of this place Gabriel. Just wait and see.” 

*****

Gabriel stays emotionally numb for most of the first and second day after surgery. He’s in an out of wakefulness and each time he opens his eyes back to reality he’s hit with the loss of a part of his body and his identity. He grinds his teeth through the first of the bandage changes as he clings to Dean’s shoulders, while his friend cups his face and wipes away the tears leaking from Gabriel’s eyes with the rough pads of his thumbs. 

He can’t look at it. He won’t look at it. If he sees it, then it’s real. 

The medical staff asks him questions. He knows he answers them but his mind doesn’t hold onto the conversation. There’s this oppressive feeling of being trapped, of this not really being his life that he can’t shake. 

Gabriel finally really understands what the people he helps after accidents are feeling and he hates himself a little bit for always being so irritated by them. This is horrible and he’s scared. If it weren’t for Dean, Gabriel’s pretty sure he’d be catatonic right now. 

Sometimes Dean barking at him is the only thing that snaps him back out of his head. 

“Do you want to sit up?” Dean asks when the nurse slips back out of the room.

“NO!”

“Gabriel,” Dean sighs as he rubs his hands over his face in a gesture that Gabriel knows he only does after a double shift when he’s so exhausted he can barely stand. “You can’t see it. Your legs are under the blanket. Just sit up and drink some water or let me get you some crackers or something please.”

“What difference does it make?” Gabriel mutters. 

“It matters because all you’ve been doing is staring at that fucking wall for hours and it’s freaking me out,” Dean blurts, clearly exasperated. 

“If you don’t like it you can just leave,” Gabriel snaps as he rolls his head around to glare at Dean from his prone position. 

Dean’s eyebrow flicks up in a way that he recognizes from some of their more intense debates. Gabriel shrinks back against the bed because that look doesn’t mean anything good. 

Dean slips into a standing position and leans over the bed until he’s right in Gabriel’s face. “You know what Gabriel? I’ll make you a deal. I’ll leave when you can get up and walk me out.” 

The hot flash of anger that burns behind Gabriel’s eyes is a relief in comparison to the confusion and grief that have been creeping over him all day. He opens his mouth to snap something back, but Dean’s already yanking on the cord that controls his bed and moving Gabriel into something more like a sitting position. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Gabriel barks.

“You can be angry at me,” Dean says in a low voice right next to his ear. “I think you need to be angry at somebody and I’m good with that. But from now on we’re going to run this show my way. So you hate me all you want but you’re going to sit up and eat something and drink whatever I put in front of you. You’re going to deal with this and once you have, when you’re better, you can kick my ass all you want. I told you before, I’m not going anywhere.”

Dean’s stalking out of the room before Gabriel can yell at him. He’s only gone a few minutes but it feels like hours. Gabriel hasn’t been alone since he woke up and faced with an empty room and just his body, it’s terrifying. He can’t get up; he doesn’t know where the hell he dropped the call button because he hasn’t needed it before now. He’s edgy and fearful and then infinitely relieved when Dean comes back in the room with Ginger Ale and pants pockets full of crackers and peanut butter. 

“Lunch got served an hour ago,” Dean mumbles. “They said they’ll try to rustle us up something but that it could be a while, so I wandered over to the maternity ward and raided their stash.”

“The maternity ward?” Gabriel asks with a confused face. 

“They have the best snacks,” Dean snorts as he lays out the food for Gabriel to start eating. “Stick with me kid; I know all the good tricks.”

“I hate you right now,” Gabriel comments as he pops a cracker in his mouth. He knows he sounds like a petulant child but he really doesn’t care. 

Dean’s laugh, loud and surprised, fills the room. Gabriel feels normal, like he’s regular old Gabriel for just a moment. But it’s a beginning. 

*****

“I’m not going to change the bandage for you,” Dean argues with a shake of his head and crossed arms. 

“Why the hell not?”

“I don’t know how,” Dean points out. “It’s not my area of expertise. I’m an ER nurse not a surgical nurse.”

“Have them teach you,” Gabriel orders.

“No,” Dean spits. “I’m not going to be your eyes for you. If you want to know what it looks like then just look at it. It’s your damned leg.”

“I don’t want anymore people touching me Dean!”

The outburst is enough to slip them both into silence for a moment. Gabriel’s panting with emotion he can’t tell if he’s trying to express or hold back, and Dean’s watching him with wide eyes. 

They’ve been friends a long time but there are still things they don’t know about each other. 

“I don’t like to be touched a lot Dean.” Gabriel explains as he leans back against the bed. 

“You never mind when I touch you,” Dean points out and Gabriel snorts with a shake of his head. 

“It used to bug the hell out of me,” he admits slowly. “I got used to it, to you. Besides it wasn’t intimate like this is. They treat me like I’m a stump Dean. They don’t even look me in the eyes half the time. I don’t want anymore people poking me.”

“So you want me to poke you,” Dean teases. It’s weak but at this point Gabriel’s grateful for the effort. 

“All night long,” he answers and they share tired smiles. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Dean offers. 

While he’s out with the doctors and nurses Gabriel finally steals himself for his first conversation with his brother. Cas is only one flight away; having fought through bad weather and restricted flights all the way from whatever backwater hole he was translating in. Dean’s been keeping him up to date for the past three days. 

Gabriel hasn’t been in the mood to talk yet. 

“How is he?” Cas’ voice sounds stressed and rushed over the line when he answers the phone on the second ring. 

“Dean?” Gabriel teases, “He’s an asshole but you know that. He keeps forcing me to eat and drink and breathe. I think this afternoon he’s going to make look at what’s left of my leg. I’m not looking forward to that at all. You’re taking your time getting here. What the hell are you doing? Walking?”

“Gabriel!” Cas exclaims loudly and Gabriel wonders for a second where exactly his little brother is and how many people are staring at him like he’s nuts. 

“Hey little bro,” he offers with a violent up swelling of emotion that Gabriel’s not prepared for. 

“I thought I lost you when Dean called,” Cas whispers in his too deep voice. Gabriel can hear the emotion squeezing his throat even from hundreds of miles away. 

“I’m here,” Gabriel whispers. “Well, most of me I guess.” 

“That’s not funny,” Cas warns. 

“You’re telling me.”

“Gabriel,” Cas starts like the words just get backed up in his throat, stuck there unwilling to move. 

“Just get here,” Gabriel whispers. “Get here and treat me like I’m still your brother.”

“Who else would you be?” Cas’ confusion so evident in his tone.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel answers before hanging up the phone and swiping the tears off his face. 

Dean’s pushing the door to his room open and he’s not alone. One of the nurses from the ward follows him in with supplies. Gabriel stiffens and his hands clench but Dean holds a hand out in front of him and says, “This is Missouri. Missouri, this is Gabriel. He’s the impatient asshole who doesn’t want to be touched. Gabriel, Missouri is the nurse who’s going to teach me how to change your pressure bandage. Try to be civil for as long as she has to put up with us please.”

“Nice to meet you,” Gabriel drawls out in his most syrupy voice. 

“Son,” Missouri says to Dean. “You’re not getting me to show you this so you can hurt him right?”

“No ma’am,” Dean answers with a snort and shake of his head. “He’s a good friend of mine.”

“No accounting for taste,” she mutters as she comes toward the bed. 

Gabriel’s tempted to make a comment but Dean’s eyes widen and he shakes his head fervently back and forth from his position behind Missouri’s back. Gabriel takes the hint and as much as it pains him he keeps his mouth shut. 

And his eyes.

Missouri doesn’t do anything with much fanfare. She slips back his blankets all business like and Gabriel can hear her instructing Dean on the width and diameter of what his stump should look like. Dean asks questions while she unwraps his leg. Gabriel can feel the pressure lessening and clenches his jaw against the movement on a part of his body that just doesn’t feel normal anymore. 

“How’s the pain?” Missouri asks and when Dean doesn’t answer Gabriel clues in that she’s talking to him. 

“It’s not bad,” he answers and he’s grateful that she blows right past the tremor in his voice. 

“On a likert scale?” 

“Between a four and a five,” he admits. 

“Could be better,” she comments. “You want more medication?”

“No,” Gabriel says with a shake of his head. 

“Good for you,” she says and he thinks that there might be just a hint of pride in her tone. “We get you through tonight and you can move out of the surgical ward tomorrow and head down to recovery.” 

“How long do you think he’ll be there?” Dean’s voice sounds from the end of the bed. 

“Depends on how long it takes him to open his eyes,” Missouri mutters. 

There’s some tugging and Gabriel feels air across his leg for the first time. 

“Can you give us a minute,” Dean asks. “Before you teach me how to re-wrap it?”

There’s a pause and she answers, “Sure thing hon. Not too long though, I can give you ten minutes at most.”

“Thank you,” Dean whispers.

Gabriel hears the door open and shut and assumes she leaves. Then he feels a weight settling at the end of the bed and Dean says, “Open your eyes Gabriel.”

“No.”

“I’m serious Gabriel. You need to face this and quit stalling.” Dean’s voice is stern, like he’s talking to a child.

“I’ll look at it when it’s covered up.”

“I’ll wrap it back up once you’ve looked at it,” Dean counters. 

“You know she only gave you ten minutes I can out wait you,” Gabriel challenges. 

He hears Dean sigh out a low tired breath of frustration and then there’s silence until Dean suddenly says, “They rushed you in at four forty seven. We knew you were coming but we didn’t know how bad you were. They had put the call through right when they got to the accident, before they knew how bad it was. So Pam hits the doors first and she’s really beat up, but she’s conscious and she’s crying. She tells me you got hit by a car and you wouldn’t wake up. So I start asking her where you are and she says they can’t get you out. I was so mad at her. I didn’t understand what she meant, they couldn’t get you out. But it was the truth. That car plowed into you so hard that it pinned you down. So even though they got to the accident pretty quickly they had to use the Jaws of Life to get you out from between the two cars.”

Dean’s voice is shaking; Gabriel can feel his friend gripping the mattress while he talks. 

“So I paced around in front of the door for an hour waiting for them to bring you in. The rest of the team took my cases, the head nurse told me I wasn’t fit to work. But I wouldn’t leave. I had to see you, I had to touch you and know you were okay. But they wheeled you in and Jesus fuck Gabriel, you were mess. There was blood and dirt and chips of metal and glass everywhere. They had a brace on your leg but it was like your foot was already gone. There was just nothing left and all I could think about was that it was your rebound foot and how you were never going to jump off on it again and I just lost it.” There’s a dry chuckle.

“They threatened to sedate me. I got tossed out of the ER and I was kicking a trash can across the parking lot when I remembered that I had Cas’ number in my cell phone from last Christmas so I called him and begged him to come. I think I scared the shit out of him Gabriel.”

“He thought I was dead,” Gabriel whispers. 

“Oh,” Dean mutters. “I’ll have to apologize to him when he gets here. I was a mess. I’m still a mess. Gabriel I need you to help me. I know you’re scared, I know you’re hurting. But I’m hurting too, I’m afraid too. You’re my best friend and when my whole fucking life fell apart you were there for me and you helped me get up and get it together and I want to do that for you. I really do. But I don’t know how and you won’t even try and I can’t do this on my own. So please just OPEN YOUR EYES GOD DAMN IT!” 

Gabriel’s eyes snap open facing the ceiling. The broken down tone of his friend’s voice and the pain there leaves him no other option. 

Gabriel’s always been a realist; some would say a pessimistic asshole but that’s not really the truth. He’s defensive and self protective, isolative even. But at his heart Gabriel has never believed in putting too much energy into pointless battles and keeping his eyes closed isn’t going to bring back his leg. 

It might cost him his friend. 

He looks toward the stump with a ball of sickness rolling in his stomach. He’s dimly aware that he’s close to hyperventilating and he can hear his pulse pounding in his ears. 

It’s bruised, rounded, there’s a drain coming out the end where the rest of his leg should be. He’s hairless and it’s that fact that his overtaxed brain gets stuck on. “They shaved my leg?” he blurts with a bubble of hysterical laughter pouring out into the room. He can feel tears tracking down his cheeks and Dean’s eyes aren’t dry either. 

“Did they have to cut it off?” he asks desperately even though obviously the answer is yes because it’s already done and gone. 

“Yes,” Dean chokes out. “Gabriel there was nothing left to save I swear.” It’s Dean’s gloved hand carefully cupping the stump more than his words that makes Gabriel’s last wall crumble. He sobs out days of pain and frustration and anger into his hands while his friend touches this new place on his body that maybe isn’t the enemy. 

Missouri doesn’t comment on his red rimmed eyes when she slips back into the room a few moments later. She nods at him before giving him a detailed explanation of his injuries in a detached manner that Dean obviously isn’t capable of. Gabriel asks some questions about where they go from here and what his prognosis looks like. She gives him the official, “You’ll have to ask the doctors about that.” But once she shows Dean how the pressure bandages work and peels off her gloves she presses her hand onto Gabriel’s and whispers, “Baby, you’re going to be right as rain, you hear me?”

He can’t do anything but nod at her before she leaves. 

“You hungry?” Dean asks hesitantly. 

Gabriel considers it for a second before throwing on his best bravado and replying, “I’m dying for cheeseburger.” 

Dean’s out the door to get him one almost before he can blink. 

*****

The fries are cold and the burger is way too greasy. Gabriel drowns the whole thing in ketchup and digs in anyway. He chuckles at the sounds of Dean doing the same. 

“I fucking hate hospital food,” Dean mumbles around a mouthful of burger. 

“And yet you spend all day at a hospital,” Gabriel snorts. “What does that say about you?”

“I’m a glutton for punishment,” Dean offers with a grin. 

“Masochist,” Gabriel accuses. 

“I thought it was Sadist?” Dean wonders. 

“Fuck if I know,” Gabriel sighs as he leans back and pats his hand across his belly. “You’re one of those things or both or something. Whatever.”

Dean chuckles and Gabriel feels a real smile curving up on his face. He remembers this. His life was normal and comfortable like this a few days ago. It gives him hope. 

“The only thing that would make this better is a candy bar,” he comments. Then his eyes open wider and he actually claps his hands with glee as Dean digs one out of his pocket and slides the Hershey Dark Chocolate over to him. “I could kiss you,” he blurts.

Dean gets this look on his face that Gabriel can’t identify and then he blushes. “What?” Gabriel presses.

“I was going to kiss you after coffee that morning,” Dean whispers, staring at the floor. 

“The morning of the accident,” Gabriel says flatly.

Dean nods. “I had it all planned out. It was stupid and awkward and probably going to end up being a huge mess but I wanted to kiss you.”

“Wanted?” Gabriel asks slowly. It feels a little bit like a lifetime ago. “Do you still want to?”

“Fuck yes,” Dean huffs, hugging his arms to his chest like he’s cold. 

“How long?”

Dean’s jaw clenches before he responds with, “A while. It’s complicated Gabriel. A lot of it I’m ashamed of. Not how I feel about you but for not telling you the whole truth about Lisa. When she left she told me she was leaving because I was in love with someone else.”

“With me?” Gabriel states. It’s inconceivable. 

“In love’s probably a little strong,” Dean shrugs while his knees twitch. “I have an epic high school like crush on you though. I have for a damn long time. I just wasn’t going to be unfaithful to my wife. No matter what, so I just stuffed it. You’re my friend and shit; until last Christmas when you got hammered and you and Cas started telling me about all your ex-boyfriends I didn’t even know you were gay. But then Lisa was gone and I kept looking around for a reason to not see if maybe we could be something more than just friends.”

“What did you come up with?” Gabriel’s not sure why he’s asking. 

“Nothing,” Dean breathes. “So I was going to kiss you that morning. I was going to risk it because I want the chance with you.”

“Dean….”

“I know,” Dean says waving his hands in the air. “I have no right to dump this on you right now. It’s unfair and really uncool of me. But I thought you might not wake up there for a while Gabriel. I thought I had missed my chance and I don’t want to miss anymore. So I just needed to say it so it’s out there and whatever happens it’s okay.”

“So you were just going to kiss me and run for it?” Gabriel presses after a long pause, desperate to get back to something that feels even for them both. He’s not sure how he feels about it now but he knows Dean’s too important for him to just toss this all way. 

“I was actually kind of hoping you would just melt into my arms or something and we could spend the whole weekend in bed,” Dean blurts with a self depreciating chuckle. 

Gabriel swallows before pushing the tray in front of him out of the way with purpose. “I’m not sure about the melting or the kissing right now,” he says carefully. “But I’ve got the bed part handled and if you help me scoot over I don’t mind making room for you.”

He doesn’t think he’s ever been touched so carefully as when Dean helps him shift over to give him some space. His friend is infinitely gentle as he kicks off his shoes and slips under the covers with him; curling around Gabriel’s battered form like it’s the most precious thing in the universe. Gabriel leans into Dean’s shoulder after he gets settled and lets the warmth of his friend’s body lull him to sleep. 

*****

“You two look cozy.”

The tired rumbling of Cas’ voice jerks Gabriel from his sleep. Dean slides off the side of the hospital bed flailing and it crosses his mind that they probably should have put up the side arm to help hold him in. 

“Hey Cas,” Dean offers from his place on the floor. Gabriel watches with a slowly spreading feeling of warmth as his younger sibling helps Dean up and embraces him with a quietly murmured, “Thank you for taking care of him.”

Dean blushes up to the tips of his ears and stumbles away wiping the sleep from his eyes. The look he shoots Gabriel speaks volumes about how uncertain Dean is about what the hell is going on between them right now and Gabriel shrugs in response because hell if he has a clue. 

He’s got so much to think about right now and he has no idea where to start. Everything seems overwhelming. 

Cas unknowingly breaks the spell between them by sliding over to cuff Gabriel lightly on the back of the neck before bending down and pressing a quick kiss to his forehead. Gabriel doesn’t even to try to act like he hates it; not like he normally does. Instead of pushing Cas away and barking at him for being gross Gabriel just reaches up and clings to his stupid brown trench coat until Cas takes up Dean’s spot on the bed beside him and hugs him for real. 

“You look like hell,” Gabriel blurts into his dress shirt. 

“Look who’s talking,” Cas chuckles as he ruffles Gabriel’s hair. “I lost my luggage three flights ago.”

“At least you got to keep your leg,” Gabriel comments, he’s always had a need to point out the giant pink elephant in the room right off the bat, even if technically the elephant belongs to him. 

“Fuck,” Dean mumbles as he swipes at his face and Gabriel winces. He turns to Cas to apologize and is shocked to see his little brother already tearing up. 

“The things you say,” Cas whispers as he reaches into his pocket for a ball of tissues. He shakes his head. “Like you’re the only one that’s hurting here.”

“It’s my leg,” Gabriel snarks. “Or lack there of.”

“And you’re my brother,” Cas argues “And his best friend. So shut the hell up.”

There’s a tense moment of staring between them before Gabriel’s lip twitches up into a smile and he mutters, “I missed you.”

“I’ve missed you as well,” Cas sighs as he visibly relaxes. “It’s been too long.”

They catch him up on what’s been happening. Cas nods a lot and asks questions occasionally. Gabriel knows his brother, Cas is being gentle with Dean because he can see how worn out he is; but once the doctors get there it’s going to be a whole new deal. Cas is the quiet one; the base line to Gabriel’s highs and lows, and that makes him scary. 

He doesn’t miss anything. 

“You should take a break,” Cas says to Dean when they’ve covered everything they can. “Have you even gone home since this happened?”

“No,” Dean’s soft answer strikes something in Gabriel. It’s not like he didn’t notice that Dean had been there every time he woke up, but his clothes had changed. Gabriel had assumed he had been slipping out while Gabriel was sleeping. 

“Sam,” Dean says by way of answer when Gabriel’s mouth opens and his face twists up. “He’s been bringing me changes of clothes and stuff. I’ve been here the whole time.”

That means something; something huge. Dean never left him. “You should take a break,” Gabriel offers. “You’ve more than earned it. Go home, get some sleep, take a shower. Bring me back a pie or something when you feel rested.”

Dean laughs and Gabriel might have too if he wasn’t distracted by the way Dean traces over his right foot, slow and carefully, through the sheet over his legs. Dean’s always been roughly affectionate with him, slaps on the shoulder, good natured shoving, and the occasional tickle when he’s not expecting it, but the hesitant and purposeful caresses that Gabriel’s noticed since he woke up are different. They mean something deeper, like Dean’s trying to memorize the feel of him, like looking isn’t enough anymore. 

When his hand slips away Gabriel stifles a whimper of disappointment. Those touches make him feel grounded; he doesn’t want them to stop. 

“I’ll only be gone a few hours,” Dean says haltingly like he expects Gabriel to change his mind. 

It’s tempting. There’s a huge part of Gabriel that doesn’t want Dean to go. 

“I won’t leave him,” Cas comments from where he sits. Gabriel watches Dean and Cas stare at each other for a long moment before Dean nods and steps toward to door. 

“You’ll call me if something changes right?” he asks as he backs away.

“Of course,” Cas answers. 

Gabriel holds his breath until the door slides shut behind Dean’s retreating form. When he exhales it’s shaky, like he’s letting go of something he doesn’t want to lose. 

“You’re going to explain what’s going on between you two while he’s gone,” Cas says firmly. 

Gabriel rolls his eyes.

*****

Gabriel didn’t realize how much interference Dean had been running for him until he wasn’t there to do it. 

Nurses and interns flood in and out of his room checking everything from his temperature to his circulation. He’s poked and prodded and asked a million questions. Cas gives as good as Gabriel gets; every stitch, every procedure, every exam is explained in excruciating detail to both of them with Cas glaring at the medical staff like they have plans to torture and kill his brother more than help him. 

But after two hours of it, the surgeon comes in says he can be moved to less intensive unit and start some physiotherapy. 

“What does that mean?” Gabriel asks tiredly. 

“It means another week or so in the hospital, no more catheter, and learning how to walk on crutches before you can go home,” Missouri tells him. “It also means you get put in contact with the prosthesist. They’ll start working with you on what kind of limb you need.”

“Sounds thrilling,” Gabriel answers with a smile while he grinds his teeth. The mantra he hears in his head shouting words like – DIFFERENT, BROKEN, LAME. 

“It’s hard,” she warns with a pointed finger in his face. “And you’re going to make it harder than it has to be. I can just tell by looking at you that you’re one of those kind of people. But this is where it starts so get used to it.”

“Where what starts?” Gabriel asks. 

“The rest of your life son,” Missouri answers as she picks up her things and slides off the gloves she was wearing when she changed the pressure bandage. “This is where you pick yourself up and start walking.”

“I’m missing a leg,” Gabriel snaps, not appreciating her analogy. 

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything,” she shrugs and then she’s out the door.

Cas snorts in response to Gabriel’s frustrated look. Gabriel gives him the finger. 

*****

Dean needs sleep, so Gabriel does the only thing he can think of to keep his friend from just rushing back to the hospital and wearing himself out. 

He calls Sam. If anyone can stop Dean it’s his brother. 

Five hours later, as Gabriel’s getting settled into his new room he figures it must have worked because Dean had been checking in like every two hours and it’s been three since his last call. Gabriel hopes like hell he’s sleeping. 

And honestly, the less people that see him slip and stumble along on his crutches the better. This is ridiculous. He’d never really considered the fact that the bottom of his leg being gone would mean that his balance is all messed up too. 

But at least the prosthesist is bearable. Bobby Singer might be an older guy but he’s blunt, honest, and has a lot of experience dealing with assholes. So basically he’s right up Gabriel’s alley. 

The conversation’s a brief one; Bobby looks at his leg with a clinical eye and asks Gabriel what his expectations are. Gabriel struggles to come up with an answer. 

“I’m an EMT,” he finally stammers. 

“And you wanna keep doing that?” Bobby asks. 

“Can I?” Gabriel replies because frankly he hasn’t thought farther than being able to stand up much less to the future. It’s a sobering thought. What if by losing his leg he lost his career? There’s not much else in Gabriel’s life. It defines him, explains him, makes everything make sense for him. Without that he’s got nothing. Gabriel never wanted to be anything else.

“That’s what I’m asking you,” Bobby grumbles. “Walking is no problem, hell they did a good enough job saving the upper part of your leg that running shouldn’t be much of a struggle either. But an EMT? That’s going to take some effort boy. You’re going to have to work on that one and even if you try as hard as you can you might not get it all back.”

There’s silence in the room while Gabriel absorbs the warning. 

“You don’t know me,” he finally replies. “I can do it.”

He doesn’t miss the grin Bobby shoots him while he wanders out of the room muttering, “Idgit.”

*****  
Gabriel’s returning from a monitored trip around the floor on his crutches when he finds Dean sitting in his room. 

“How are you?” Dean asks after dragging his eyes up and down Gabriel’s body. 

“Upright!” Gabriel chirps with a huge grin. He works his way into the room slowly and frankly a little unsteadily. 

Dean chuckles, “I can see that. By the way, I’m pissed you sent Sam after me. I didn’t want sleep Gabriel I should have been back here with you.” 

“Cas was here,” Gabriel defends levelly. “You looked like shit and smelled worse, I did the right thing. Besides, how were you going to appreciate my progress if you never left?”

It’s meant to be a joke but at the heart of it Gabriel could use a cheering section. So much of him is still raw and open. Dean’s easy smile is distracting and makes his heart do a little flip flop. 

It also makes him stop paying attention to where he’s putting the crutches and Gabriel ends up putting one down on the part of the blanket that’s dragging the floor only to have the crutch slip and feel himself start to topple over. 

Dean’s there before he hits the ground; arms around Gabriel, holding him up. “I’ve got you,” he huffs. Gabriel can feel his heart pounding in time with Dean’s. He looks up into those greenish, sometimes hazel eyes and finds himself swaying forward into his friend’s personal space. 

“I’ve got you,” Dean says again. 

“Yes you do,” Gabriel whispers and he’s relieved and a little disappointed when Dean presses his lips to Gabriel’s cheek instead of his mouth. He thinks about turning his head, seeking out the other man’s mouth with his own, changing everything. But Dean’s backing away and settling him on the edge of the bed with a warm squeeze of his hands before dropping back into the chair opposite him flushed and shaking. 

“Where’s Cas?” Dean asks clearly just trying to ease some of the sudden tension out of the room. 

“He went to get lunch,” Gabriel answers, wincing as he tries to adjust himself back further on the bed. 

“You need help?” Dean offers but he doesn’t move. Gabriel knows he’s trying to be supportive and not crowd him. But there’s a hot flash of irritation that has Gabriel wanting to lash out and snap at his friend. 

“Why?” He barks, “Because I’m a cripple?”

Dean blinks at him, sits back and sighs, “No, because you’re an asshole.”

“You don’t like it then get out,” Gabriel snarls.

“Seriously dude?” Dean huffs before rising to his feet. “I’ve been here like five minutes and all I’ve done is kiss your cheek and keep you from falling on your ass. You know what? Fine, I’ll get out of your hair.”

Gabriel’s grabbing at his arm when Dean goes to stalk past the bed; grateful he manages to catch a hold of Dean’s worn t-shirt before his friend leaves angry. “No no no no,” Gabriel breathes. “I’m sorry! The doctors warned me it would be like this. It’s like I have really bad pms. I’m up one minute and down the next and then just when I think I’m okay I’m angry. I almost ripped Cas’ head off this morning over a towel not hanging up right. I’m an ass, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

He waits with anxiety crowding his mind as Dean regards him with narrowed eyes for a moment before reaching down to untangle Gabriel’s hand from his shirt and press it against his chest. 

“I’m sorry too,” Dean says softly. “I’m just really confused about us right now and I keep waiting for you to tell me to get my hands off of you since I blurted out that stupid shit about kissing you.” 

“I’m not exactly clear on us either right now,” Gabriel replies with a nod. “But I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.”

“Oh.” Dean whispers as he rubs along the back of Gabriel’s hand and down his arm in soothing circles. 

They’re still frozen like that when Cas comes back in. 

*****

“Look just make me a list and I’ll bring back whatever you need,” Dean says for the third time as he hustles through Gabriel’s apartment picking up clothing and gathering up trash that Gabriel had left lying around before his last shift at work. The place is a wreck, it’s totally trashed. Living as a bachelor never was good for Gabriel whose idea of cleaning sometimes involved throwing his dishes away and buying new ones. 

But he’s home, sitting on his couch and it’s glorious. 

“It’s really unnecessary Dean,” Cas repeats. “I can go to the store and get what we need. I am capable of driving and do have money.”

“I know that,” Dean huffs. Turning to face them stiffly and clenching his hands. “I just want to be helpful. I need something to do.”

Cas sighs like the tired adult wrangling two children. Gabriel stifles a chuckle at his younger brother’s exhausted face. “Look the way I see it, someone has to stay here and clean this place up and someone needs to go to the store. Just pick. Or you can rock, paper, scissors it out. I don’t care.” 

It’s a lie – Gabriel does care. He wants some alone time with Dean and Cas has been hovering since he got into town. It’s not like he doesn’t love his brother and appreciate everything Cas is doing for him, but his relationship with Dean is different now in some indefinable way that Gabriel wants to explore. And he’s nervous about Dean going home tonight and starting work back tomorrow. He’s scared some of this new closeness he feels will evaporate as Dean falls back into the routine of his life while Gabriel struggles to find a new way. 

Dean steps up with his hand held out; and Gabriel takes a second to pray silently that Cas was too drunk that night to remember when Gabriel had blurted out that Dean always picks scissors so he’s easy as hell to beat. But instead of participating Cas gets a disgusted look in his eyes and says with a shake of his head, “I did NOT make this mess. I don’t want to clean it.”

Dean jumps on the opportunity faster than Gabriel can. “I’ll clean up! I’m good at it. You can go get the food.”

The flaw in the plan is that of course Cas has no car and has no clue how to get around the city. Gabriel’s hopes for a few minutes of alone time are slammed shut until Dean blurts: “SAM!” and starts dialing his phone. 

Cas looks confused but that’s not really anything new for him, so Gabriel just waits and tries not to be too obvious about holding his breath. Dean hangs up a minute later with a grin and a wink in his direction announcing, “He’s on his way.” He turns to Cas and adds, “Sam can give you a tour so you know where things are and you can abuse him by making him carry all the heavy stuff for you. He likes that.”

They make a list while Sam drives over, Cas glaring at both of them for trying to add beer to it. Gabriel groans; he knows he’s still on some pain medication but fuck he wants a drink so bad. Cas is adamant about it and Gabriel knows his luck is shot, so he flops back against the couch again with the TV remote and tries to find something worth watching on afternoon television. 

No such luck. “How many episodes of A Baby Story and SVU are there anyway?” He comments once Sam has dragged Cas out the door. 

“Too many,” Dean chuckles as he does the dishes and starts some laundry. “You want me to change the sheets too?”

“You don’t need to do all this Dean,” Gabriel grumbles. “I’m sorry this place is such a mess.”

“Yes because you planned to have a traumatic accident that required a hospital stay just to get me to clean your house,” Dean teases. “Admit it; it’s a kink of yours.”

“Well if I could get you into the little French maid’s uniform I keep in the closet…” Gabriel says with a grin, and then ducks as Dean hurls underwear at him. 

They laugh and Dean wanders over toward him once he finishes cleaning the bathroom. “So I was thinking maybe I could give you a ride to physical therapy tomorrow after I get off work.”

“I thought you were coming over before your next shift tomorrow afternoon?” Gabriel asks. 

“Well I am but I figured I could do both,” Dean says with a shrug while he stuffs his hands into his pockets. 

“And when were you planning on sleeping?” Gabriel snorts. 

“I’ll sleep Gabriel,” Dean sighs. “I just feel weird not being here with you. What if you need me?” 

“You have a cell phone and I still have all my fingers,” Gabriel snarks with a wiggle of his digits. 

Gabriel grins when Dean flops on the couch beside him with a dark look on his face. “Jackass,” Dean mutters but he smiles when Gabriel elbows him in the side. 

“Look,” Gabriel says haltingly, “I don’t know what I can say to thank you for being here for me. I know I’m an ass at like that best of times and I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to watch me like that when they first brought me in. I’m just trying to tell you that it means a lot to me that you stayed. You mean a lot to me and I don’t want you to feel unwanted but I don’t want you to think you need to come over here every day either. You’re allowed to have a life while I’m trying to figure mine out. I’ll be here when you have time for me.”

“You don’t get it do you?” Dean says with a dry, strung out sound to his voice. “That life that you’re trying to figure out? That’s the life I want to be a part of; and I can’t do that if I’m not here.” 

Gabriel opens his mouth to say something funny or deflecting, anything to make this moment less serious, less intimate. Instead he finds himself leaning forward and dragging his chapped lips over Dean’s stubbly cheek before nuzzling into his neck, inhaling his scent, soaking up his warmth. He feels Dean’s breath catch at the contact. It’s the first time Gabriel initiated this more personal physical contact. He feels Dean’s fingers tug gently on the hair at the base of his skull and swallows before he tips his head up, expecting Dean to kiss him for the first time. But Dean just smiles at him and strokes his cheek. There so much affection and warmth shining in Dean’s eyes that Gabriel’s voice shakes when he whispers, “Super big high school like crush on me huh?”

Dean laughs and nips at the tip of his nose before saying, “It’s pretty epic.”

*****

The pain is unbelievable, indefinable, when it wakes Gabriel up in the middle of the night a month and half post surgery. 

“Cas!” 

His brother’s at the door to his room before Gabriel can even roll over. “It hurts,” he gasps trying to drag his legs up to his chest. But he knows it won’t do any good. 

The leg he’s reaching for isn’t there anymore. 

It’s happened a couple of times, this whisper of sensation along nerves that don’t exist anymore. Gabriel would swear that he has two legs and the left one is just a little numb but not missing. Then the numbness turned into an itch and the itch became an ache and now that ache is flared up hot and white over his senses making tears leak out of the corners of his eyes. 

“What do you want me to do?” Cas asks as he reaches down to sweep the hair away from Gabriel’s forehead. They both have known it was coming. Bobby and his team at the prosthetic center warning that more than half of their patients experience it at least once and with Gabriel already having some symptoms it was probably just a matter of time. 

“I don’t know,” Gabriel admits and clings to his sibling when Cas settles on the mattress beside him and hauls Gabriel into his arms. 

By three in the morning Cas has given him all the pain medication he can and Gabriel’s still curled into a fetal position in his bed whining and crying from the pain that he knows isn’t real. 

“Let me try rubbing your leg,” Cas offers gently even though Gabriel can hear the stress bunching up in his throat. 

“No,” Gabriel refuses with a shake of his head. Touching that part of his body is still so hard for him, having other people touch it is even worse. He tolerates it during physical therapy because he has no other choice, he wants to walk without his crutches again, he wants his life back; but in his bed, in his home, no way. 

“Then I’m calling Dean,” Cas blurts as he shifts to get off the bed. 

“Why?”

“Because you’re suffering Gabriel,” Cas snaps. “And if you won’t let me help you then maybe you’ll let him.”

“He’s working,” Gabriel groans as he struggles up to a sitting position. “If you call him he’s going to come over here.”

“That’s the whole point,” Cas argues. “I’m not doing this with you Gabriel; you have to accept some help. It’s not just about making sure you don’t trip over shit. It’s about loving you, all of you. Even the parts you aren’t ready to deal with yet.” 

The door to his bedroom shutting is a clear indicator Gabriel’s lost this fight. He hears his brother’s low tones as he speak to someone, presumably Dean, on the phone. It’s a brief call, Gabriel knew it would be. Dean’s already telling the head nurse he has to leave and finding someone to cover the rest of his shift. Gabriel eases himself back down on the bed and tries to focus on breathing until his friend gets there. It’s duller now, less intense, but the burn is still gripping his stump where the rest of his leg used to be. 

“Cas says you’re being an asshole,” Dean comments from the doorway to Gabriel’s room. 

Gabriel lets out a weak chuckle into the bed sheets as he hears the door click shut behind Dean’s back. “His reports of my behavior are greatly exaggerated. You can’t trust him.”

“You wish,” Dean snorts. “Cas has my back even if you are a big fat liar who tells me everything’s fine when it isn’t.”

“I didn’t think it would get this bad,” Gabriel defends.

“Yeah,” Dean says as he walks around to the foot of the bed and kicks off his shoes. “Because you have the best luck ever and the prosthesist is always wrong.”

“Shut up Dean,” Gabriel hisses. 

He raises his head to glare at the other man but gets distracted when he realizes Dean’s still wearing his scrubs. “You didn’t change.”

“I was in a hurry,” Dean says with a wave of his hand. “Now roll over.”

“Which way?” Gabriel asks confused by what his friend wants.

“Either on your back or your stomach, I don’t care,” Dean says with a determined look.

“What the hell are you planning to do to me?”

“I’m going to rub your leg,” Dean says like there is no room for discussion.

“You are not!” 

“Gabriel,” Dean growls. “You’re hurting bad enough that Cas doped you up, yelled at you, called me from my job and is now curled up on the sofa crying to my brother over the phone. I’m going to rub your leg because Bobby and Rufus say it might help. Now shut up and roll over.”

“Rufus is a fucking idiot,” Gabriel snaps.

“Rufus is a damn good physical therapist and he somehow manages not to kill your worthless ass, now shut up and ROLL OVER!”

Gabriel twists to his back with a hiss and hard kick out with his right leg that hits Dean’s arm with his heel. He hears his friend grunt and takes some small amount of petty satisfaction that he managed to hit Dean somewhere. He throws his left arm over his face to cover the blush riding his cheeks due to his shame and embarrassment and holds his breath while Dean rubs his hands together to warm them up after slipping up onto the bed near his legs. 

Gabriel jerks at the first press of Dean’s hands as he works the wrappings loose. The stump still feels wrong somehow and it makes Gabriel feel more secure to have it bound. They don’t speak; Gabriel still riding the curve of pain that flows up and around his thigh into his hip and Dean focused on easing the bandage off as gently as possible. 

He’s shocked at the cool press of Dean’s bare hands on his stump. There’s a visible jerk he can’t stop but Dean just rides it out with gentle pressure until Gabriel’s leg stills back on the sheets. Dean’s hands are slick, some kind of lotion or ointment he pulled from who knows where but it makes his hands slide over the still tender flesh without dragging; and Gabriel’s breath comes out in pants from under the arm he keeps pressed across his face. 

He focuses first on his breathing, trying to keep it slow and level as Dean works the muscles under his skin. But the pain finally eases and after what seems like a long time Gabriel’s left with just an ache where it used to be. He feels his shoulders start to unknot and his hands unfist in the sheets. 

“Is it getting better?” Dean’s voice, rough and deep, breaks Gabriel out of his trance.

“Yeah,” Gabriel manages to choke out through his suddenly dry mouth. “It’s getting there.”

Dean’s hands keep working and Gabriel takes the time to really focus on the sensations he can get through his leg for the first time. Most of his energy spent ignoring and avoiding the area Gabriel’s not really paid attention to what touching it might feel like. It’s weird, feels off somehow, but it’s not uncomfortable or bad so he relaxes, tired and sleepy against the bed and lets Dean keep massaging. 

When Dean’s hands slip away from his skin some indeterminate amount of time later Gabriel can’t stop the small groan of disappointment that comes out of his mouth. It feels so good to be touched in a way that doesn’t feel clinical. 

“I have to stop,” Dean says and when Gabriel drops his arm away from his face he’s shocked by how shaken Dean looks. 

“I’m sorry,” Gabriel manages. “You should have stopped if your hands were getting tired. I wasn’t thinking about the time.”

“My hands aren’t tired,” Dean comments with a grin that Gabriel suspects is self depreciating. 

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Gabriel,” Dean sighs, swiping both his hands over his face before he continues. “You’re high off the pain meds. Cas clearly gave you vicodin and you and I both know it makes you loose. You’re squirming and moaning so loud you sound like a porn star and I’m pretty sure your brother thinks I’m fucking you right now. Which is embarrassing enough without the fact that if I keep touching you and you keep making those noises I’m going to have to actually do it. So I need to keep my hands to myself for a while and try to cool off.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Gabriel can manage because Dean’s right, vicodin makes him act like what little itty bitty social filter Gabriel has is gone; and the moaning would explain why his throat and mouth are so dry even if he doesn’t remember actually doing it. 

If he could crawl off his bed into a hole in the floor and die now he would be more than willing to do that. He can feel the heat blasting to his face and Dean’s looking everywhere but at him. 

“Thank you,” Gabriel whispers and he even thinks his voice sounds rough and vulnerable. 

Dean’s eyes shoot to his face with a guarded expression. “You don’t need to thank me, man.”

“Yeah I do,” Gabriel sighs, flopping back against the pillows and closing his eyes briefly. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You don’t have to find out,” Dean assures him and he curls his body around and moves to the edge of the bed. “I’m going to go tell Cas you’re alright and swear to him that I haven’t spent the last half hour having my way with you.”

“He knows you haven’t,” Gabriel comments feeling sleep tugging on the backs of his eyes. 

“How’s that?” Dean asks.

“We shared an apartment in college, it had thin walls,” Gabriel smirks. “I’m a talker not a moaner, really filthy mouth.”

“Jesus Gabriel,” Dean huffs. “You drive me nuts you know that?”

“You could just kiss me,” Gabriel offers. “It would be easier that way; avoid anymore of this dancing around that we’ve been doing.”

“I want to,” Dean says quietly.

“Then why don’t you? Kiss me now,” Gabriel offers. 

Dean turns with a look in his eyes that Gabriel’s never seen before and runs his fingertips over Gabriel’s lips slowly and gently. He dips his head close and rubs his nose against Gabriel’s before whispering, “You’ve had a bunch of pain medication, I want to make sure you’re all there when it happens. Ask me in the morning.”

“Then stay for the rest of the night,” Gabriel returns. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“You don’t want to be alone or you want to be with me?” 

“I want to be with you,” Gabriel answers as he reaches up to run his hands through Dean’s hair. 

Dean grins at him, pressing a kiss to his temple before slipping from the room to talk to Cas. Gabriel’s half asleep before he comes back, curling into the warm, solid feel of Dean’s chest and wrapping his arms across his stomach. 

“Love you Dean,” he breathes against the other man’s neck too tired to notice how tense Dean gets for a second before he tugs Gabriel even closer and whispers, “I love you too” into his hair.

The next morning Gabriel wakes up rocking his hips into Dean’s. It’s embarrassing as hell but there’s a level of relief there too. Gabriel hasn’t had an erection since before he lost his leg. They blush and ease apart with shy gazes and lingering touches on each others arms. When Dean slips out of the bed headed toward the bathroom Gabriel pulls back the waist band of his boxers, looks at his still erect penis and says, “Well hello there! Nice of you to join the rest of us.” 

Now he just has to make sure it still actually works. 

*****

He’s worked up to four hours a day on his prosthesis. By the time he takes it off Gabriel’s stump is sore and his back is aching. There are a lot of muscles involved in relearning balance and posture that he had never really thought about before because he didn’t have to. But now, in the efforts to get off his crutches Gabriel’s got to think about where he steps and how he moves; he has to hold himself differently and the pacing and flow of his gait is different. It’s literally like learning how to walk all over again. 

Gabriel hates the process but he has to admit there is something about standing in his kitchen making himself a cup of coffee without needing crutches or having to get someone to do it for him that makes him feel complete, whole again. It’s a good feeling.

“You’re doing really well,” Dean comments as he wanders into the kitchen after taking a shower. It’s nothing unusual really. Dean’s stayed over before. Of course then he was sleeping in the guest bedroom that Cas now occupies and he wasn’t looking at Gabriel like he wants to eat him up right where he stands. 

“Thanks,” Gabriel says with a smile. “I’m starting to think I’m going to be able to do this.”

“Never had a doubt,” Dean answers with a grin. 

“I know,” Gabriel says with a nod, putting his coffee down on the counter and shifting so that he can carefully turn around, put his back against the cabinets, and give Dean his full attention. “Kiss me?”

“Just like that?” Dean chuckles. “No big complicated speech or heartfelt confessions of longing? Just ‘kiss me’?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel says with a nod. “There are other things that I want you to do with me too, but I’m not sure my leg will hold up to it yet so I should probably be sitting or something. That and I’m thinking we should get past the kissing before we get to the sex. It’s usually more fun that way.”

He watches Dean shift toward him across the threshold, coming across the room slowly but with a clear intent. Gabriel feels his chest get tight and his heart starts to race. This is huge, it’s not just some guy that Gabriel picked up off the street and thinks might be fun for a couple weeks of a fling. This is Dean; this is his friend, his best friend, Dean’s one of the closest people in his life. This isn’t a joke; this is a life changing event. 

“I love you,” Gabriel blurts just as Dean’s chest brushes up against his own. Dean smiles like he’s lit up from the inside. 

“I know, you said that last night,” Dean whispers, reaching up to tuck a lock of Gabriel’s hair behind his ear. “I love you too.”

“Oh,” Gabriel breathes just before Dean dips his head down and presses their mouths together. 

Gabriel’s watched enough cheesy romance movies to know about the idea of being made weak by the emotion you feel for another person. He’s never experienced it personally, too guarded, too controlling, such a need to be separate and independent that he never let anyone close enough to really touch his heart. But he melts into Dean’s arms like he belongs there, forgetting where he is or that his brother is in the other room. There’s so much warmth and comfort in this other man. At the first touch of Dean’s tongue against the seam of his mouth Gabriel opens up and lets him in. He lets out a shuddering gasp of breath against Dean’s mouth and experiences a rush of giddy joy so strong he can’t stop himself from smiling. 

When they break apart for air Gabriel’s clinging to Dean and they’re both giggling like kids while they rub their noses together and lean against each other. It’s warm and comfortable, it’s right. “How were you right here the whole time and I never knew this?” Gabriel whispers. 

“I was so afraid you were going to figure it out one day,” Dean snorts. “I don’t know when it started but once I wanted you it was so hard to hide it. I didn’t want to mess up our friendship and everything was so complicated with my life. I never allowed myself to think, never gave myself the chance to consider you might want me. Jesus Gabriel, I don’t ever want to stop touching you.”

“Then don’t,” Gabriel whispers. “Just don’t.” 

He leans in for more kisses and moans contentedly when Dean’s just as greedy for it as he is. They hold each other and learn the feel of each others’ bodies for long moments until someone clears their throat from the doorway of the kitchen.

“Excuse me,” Cas mutters, bleary eyed and rumpled from being up half the night with Gabriel. “I’m thrilled you two are finally working this out but you’re in the way of the coffee pot so I must ask you to relocate the start of your romantic relationship to a place more convenient for me.”

Dean explodes with laughter and Gabriel buries his face in Dean’s chest. “Way to have your priorities little bro.”

“Just move your ass,” Cas huffs, shoving by them both and pouring a half a cup of sugar into a mug. 

*****

“Harder.”

“Jesus Fuck Rufus,” Gabriel complains. “You’re kicking my ass here man.”

“That’s my job,” the older physical therapist chuckles. “Now do it again and do it harder.”

“Are you like this with all the people you work with?” Gabriel groans, “Or is it just me you love so much?”

“It’s just you twinkle toes,” Rufus says with a nudge to Gabriel’s shoulder. “Your charm and wit attract me so.”

“Oh fuck off,” Gabriel snorts. But he grins as he starts the next round of exercises. It’s hard work, harder work than he’s ever done, and the fact that he’s twisted the ankle on his right leg isn’t helping all that much. 

“How did you do that again?” Rufus asks. 

“I was trying to reach something on the top shelf of the pantry and I was too fucking short so I was hopping up and down on my right leg and I landed wrong,” Gabriel admits begrudgingly. 

“We talked about that,” Rufus says while he shoots Gabriel a dirty look. “Why do you always have to be the trouble maker?”

“It’s a talent of mine?” Gabriel offers with raised eyebrows and fake smile. 

“It’s your super power is what is it,” Rufus snorts. He turns back to his computer there’s some typing and Gabriel watches him with confusion. Normally it’s just a slap on the back and a see you in a day or two. This is different. Rufus turns back to him with a big grin and hands him the printed out forms. 

“There you go. Take these to your doctor and get your ass back to work.” 

“WHAT!?” Gabriel gasps. 

“You’re doing better than we thought you would be doing so Bobby and I think you’re ready to be cleared for limited duty. I know it’s not everything you were hoping for but this gives you a chance to get out of the house.” Rufus is smiling and Gabriel can feel the ear splitting grin all over his face too. 

He grabs the older man and kisses him on the cheek even as Rufus squeals and squirms before snatching the papers and heading out to the car to call his doctor, his boss, and then Dean. 

*****

“This is stupid,” Gabriel hisses at himself in the mirror the morning before his first day back at his job. 

“You’re just nervous,” Dean comments as he smoothes down the back of Gabriel’s shirt and then reaches out to hold his hands. 

“A classroom instructor?” Gabriel complains. “Seriously Dean? I’m not a teacher. These guys are going to think I’m a moron.”

“Gabriel,” Dean snorts. “It’s training; you are a fantastic trainer.”

“Field trainer,” Gabriel points out. “As like in the field. There’s no field here Dean. There’s just chairs and desks and big wide eyes waiting for me teach them something. What the hell am I going to teach them?”

“All that shit you have in your head,” Dean points out. “You’ve done this for years Gabriel you just need to calm down and focus and you’re going to be fine.”

Gabriel leans into Dean’s chest and takes a few deep breaths. “I can do this.” 

“Yes you can,” Dean grins. Then he kisses Gabriel all warm lips and wetness and he keeps at it until Gabriel’s forgotten about work and being nervous and can only think about being closer to the other man, being held and touching Dean. But then Dean steps back and Gabriel blindly tries to follow after him, wanting more contact. 

Dean slaps a hand on Gabriel’s forehead with wide eyes and a shake of his head. “No more of that or you’re going to be late.”

“I can be late,” Gabriel says with a leer. “No one will say anything to guy with one leg.”

Dean laughs. “That is so wrong and you know it. Get your ass to work and call me if you need me. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Gabriel chuckles as he grabs his coat and heads to the car. When he slides behind the wheel he spares a thought that he guesses he should be grateful it was his left leg so that driving really isn’t a problem. 

Walking up the ice covered steps into the downtown office is though, Gabriel grinds his teeth against the urge to just give up and take the handicap ramp; but fuck it, if he’s going to do that he can do a couple of steps. It takes ten minutes but he gets there and he only slips and almost lands on his ass once. 

He thinks he should have left home a half hour earlier, so many of his co-workers and friends from the job are there waiting. So many smiles and hugs and a bunch of tears as Gabriel works his way through the crowd. It’s welcoming and it puts a fire in Gabriel’s gut to go back to physical therapy and work that much harder so he can get back and do this work again; get back in the field. He’s so close he can taste it. 

By the time he gets to the classroom he figures his co-trainer is going to kill him because shit he’s late. 

He cracks open the door to the training room after taking a deep breath to stuff the anxiety that he never really lets anyone know he has. But the voice from the front of the room makes him pause and listen before heading all the way in. 

“You want to know the most intense situation I’ve ever been in out in the field?” Pam clarifies before sighing deeply and answering, “Almost five months ago now I was riding shotgun with a veteran EMT. We were coming back from a call and witnessed a two car accident on the highway so we stopped to help the drivers. The guy I was riding with that night had a lot of experience and he pointed me toward the truck closer to the divider. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But he was looking out for me.”

“The other car had spun out and was facing the divider turned to the side in the lane. He was checking on the driver and another vehicle wasn’t paying attention. This car comes barreling in and hits the car my partner was working on. If it had been me standing there I would probably be dead. I would have froze. My partner used the leverage of the car to pick his body up as the other car came in a got mostly out of the way. Instead of killing him the car pinned his left leg. It took another three minutes for help to get there and it was just me and my partner. I was a mess, in shock and shaking. I go over to check on him and he opens his eyes long enough to ask me if I’m okay and then he tells me to run the numbers. So I did, I had to leave him and go check on the drunk idiot driver pinned in the car. It’s the job. But I have to tell you I was never happier than when the rest of the crew showed up and the hardest thing I have ever done is let them load me into the ambulance and leave him behind.”

There’s silence and Gabriel watches several of the newbies shift uncomfortably in their seats. He pushes the door open the rest of the way and smiles as he says, “I’m not sure I remember the last part. It was all a blur after I saw the car coming at me.” 

Later she tells him that the look on the students’ faces was priceless but all Gabriel focuses on while he walks to the front of the room is Pam’s wide smile, tear filled eyes, and warm hug.

*****

“There should be a law about shit like this,” Gabriel sighs as he leans back against the couch and swipes at his face. “I mean seriously? There should be some kind of rule in the universe that everyone with less than four limbs should be excused from anything involving irritation of their stumps.”

“I don’t think there’s a score card dude,” Dean chuckles as he reaches out to ruffle the other man’s hair. 

“Well there fucking should be.”

“Is it that bad?” Dean questions. “I mean, I know you’re uncomfortable but does it hurt?”

“Not yet,” Gabriel sighs. “But Rufus says it’s going to start if I don’t give the prosthetic a break for a few days.”

“Oh,” Dean comments as he drops down on the couch. “So…why are you wearing it?”

“So I can fucking walk Dean,” Gabriel exclaims. 

“You don’t need to walk,” Dean counters. “I’m off tonight. I’ll sleep over if you want and I can get you anything you might need.”

Gabriel shoots his boyfriend a dirty look. “That’s not the point.”

“I know,” Dean smiles; trying for an innocent look. “I’m still waiting for the real answer.”

When Gabriel doesn’t speak again Dean starts pushing the left leg of Gabriel’s pants up his leg. “What are you doing?” Gabriel blurts as he tenses. It’s not like Dean hasn’t touched his stump before. Hell he does it all the time but this is different, Gabriel’s got a heat rash all along the lower portion of his stump and not only is it uncomfortable as shit it’s ugly too. 

Not like the stump is attractive or anything, but still it’s like adding insult to injury. 

“I’m taking off your leg,” Dean answers calmly. “Then I’m going to go all medical professional on you and make sure you haven’t done any more damage to yourself than necessary and after that I’m going to tug your legs into my lap and rub them because I can, and it will make you feel good, and I enjoy it.”

Gabriel snorts at Dean’s nonchalant tone of voice. It’s a cover for the fact that Dean knows damn good and well that Gabriel hates being without his prosthesis; if the world were perfect he would have the thing permanently affixed to his body so he would never have to be without again. But life’s not like that and slowly but surely Dean is desensitizing Gabriel to quiet nights at home where Gabriel leans back against the cushions of his beat up couch and Dean runs his hands up and down his legs. 

Gabriel wants to complain about it more but honestly, it feels so good to be touched in a way that’s not requiring something from him. His previous relationships had only involved affectionate stroking when they were directly headed for a sexual encounter. 

Speaking of sexual encounters….

“How long have we been officially going out now?” Gabriel asks as Dean tugs off his prosthetic limb and then works the silicone sock he wears over he stump down and off his leg and sets it aside. 

“Two months and one week,” Dean murmurs distractedly as he examines the inflamed skin he’s just revealed. “This isn’t that bad Gabriel, you should be fine by the end of the weekend. I think it just needs some air and a lack of friction for a few days.”

“I have a heat rash in November Dean,” Gabriel snorts. “How the fuck did I manage that?”

“You’re talented I guess?” Dean offers with a grin as he rearranges Gabriel’s leg across his lap and turns the channel on the television to a rerun of Die Hard. Gabriel doesn’t complain even though it’s not the first time they’ve spent a night like this. Hell he’s watched worse movies with other people. 

Cas had a thing for subtitled anime films. For a while after the surgery Gabriel thought they were just weird as hell because he was stoned on his pain meds but it turns out they didn’t make any more sense when he was just taking Ibuprofen either. Die Hard is no big deal and Dean’s warm hands seem to suck the tension out of his body with a few brief strokes against his skin. 

“Make love to me tonight,” Gabriel says suddenly. Dean’s hands still and his eyes widen.

“Are you sure?” Dean asks. “I haven’t wanted to push.”

“Push,” Gabriel blurts loudly. “Shove, tug, yank, something! I’m dying here Dean.”

Dean’s laugh is refreshing and Gabriel’s unable to resist joining in. “Were you waiting for a sign or something?” He pants when he can finally get himself under control. 

“I don’t know,” Dean shrugs as he drops his head onto the back of the couch and looks up at the ceiling. “You were still recovering at first and Cas was always here. Then you went back to work and half the time you were passed out on my chest by the time the six o’clock news was over and by the time you woke up I had to go to work. I just wasn’t sure how to make a move.” 

“But you wanted to?” Gabriel feels stupid as hell asking but it’s something he’s started to wonder about, if Dean was really interested in a more sexual relationship with him. They haven’t been saints mind you, Gabriel’s come in is pants a number of times from grinding up against Dean while they’ve made out on the couch or on the bed in his room, both of them trying to be quiet because Cas is just one room away and a light sleeper. Gabriel’s almost bitten through his lip during phone sex with Dean during the nurses break time at work when Gabriel’s managed to talk him into a closet or a bathroom stall and then put his promised filthy mouth to use whispering into Dean’s ear through the phone every nasty little thing Gabriel wants to do to him in person. 

Just the thought of being able to actually do those things is enough to make Gabriel achingly hard in his pants. He’s been wondering if maybe it was just him. 

“Gabriel,” Dean huffs as he squirms suddenly against the couch. “I’ve been thinking about making love with you since before my marriage broke up. Since we’ve been together; hell, sometimes it’s all I can do to keep my hands to myself. I want you so bad I can taste it. Are you seriously worried about that?”

“I had two legs when you were married,” Gabriel mumbles. Frustrated even with himself that he can’t just let this go. It’s getting easier, he’s starting to look in the mirror and not feel like he’s missing something. Every day that he does well in physical therapy, every day that he doesn’t trip or slip or come home with a swelling, aching stump his self esteem shoots up. But that’s the rest of the world. Gabriel has defenses out there. 

In here, when it’s just him and Dean alone those barriers are down and his insecurities are much closer to the surface. Baring his new body completely for Dean to explore is scary and Gabriel’s not even sure if some of his favorite positions will work anymore.

“All my fantasies for last three months have involved you looking just like you are right now Gabriel,” Dean comments with this incredibly intense look in his eyes that makes Gabriel’s mouth go dry and his heart race. 

“Were they good fantasies?” Gabriel whispers. 

“Want me to act them out for you?” Dean replies. 

He’s already moving when Gabriel gives a shaky nod of consent. Jesus, fuck, no one should be able to move like that. Dean’s flowing out from under Gabriel’s legs to slip up his body in one fluid movement that makes Gabriel think of big cats hunting their prey. But then Dean’s mouth is on his and Gabriel’s not thinking about anything but hot, wet, hard, good, more. 

More, more, more…..

Dean’s making this noise like a purr and he’s sucking and licking a trail down Gabriel’s neck that hits on and then lights up the hot spot Gabriel has just under his ear. His hips jerk and slam up into Dean’s body, his hands clinging to Dean’s back and scrabbling up under the other man’s t-shirt to trace and grip the musculature along his spine. He’s running his nails down Dean’s back in a long slow drag when Dean bites down on his neck just a little bit harder and groans like he’s melting into a puddle. The brief stab of white hot pain on his sensitive neck blasts Gabriel’s filter right off his mouth. “Oh fuck you feel so good. Love the way your body feels, you’re so heavy, weigh me down and hold me still. Jesus baby the way you move. Want you naked, want you inside me.”

“Sit up, Sit up,” Dean suddenly orders as he leans up and off of Gabriel just far enough to haul Gabriel up too and start yanking his t-shirt off over his head. There’s a moment where Gabriel’s stuck in the shirt with their arms tangled up and they both break out in chuckles until Dean finally drags Gabriel’s hands out from where they’re clinging to his back and then finally pulls the shirt off totally. 

He’s expecting some kind of cuddles or a deep meaningful moment but Dean just drags his face forward and kisses him like he’s drowning and Gabriel’s dry land. Then he puts his hand on Gabriel’s forehead and pushes him back down on the couch in a slump that leaves Gabriel gasping and confused. 

“Here’s the deal,” Dean rumbles in a voice that sounds deep and rough like liquid sex. “I’m going to work my way down your chest until you’re so turned on you think you’re going to die from it. Then I’m going to take your pants off and when I finally have you totally naked, which has been a goal of mine for what feels like fucking eternity, I’m going to suck your dick until you beg me to fuck you or come in my mouth. At this point I don’t care which. Then, when we’ve both had enough of that I’m going to take you into the bedroom, sprawl you out on the bed and we’re not coming out until sometime around noon tomorrow. How’s that sound?”

“Where have you been my whole life?” Gabriel grins and he’s relieved when Dean returns his smile. “This isn’t going to be a one way street you know.”

“God I hope not,” Dean answers. “I would be really disappointed if the bedroom was the one place where you were agreeable.”

“Very funny,” Gabriel snorts. He might have said more if Dean hadn’t decided to drop his head and lick his way across his nipple right then. “Oh fuck,” Gabriel blurts as his hands slam up to cup Dean’s head. “I forgot how good this feels.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet baby,” Dean promises and the world narrows down to just this man and this night and what’s happening between them. By the time Dean’s chin bumps into the band of Gabriel’s pants Gabriel knows he’s been talking the whole time but has no idea what kind of crap has rolled out of his mouth. He’s shaking, there’s a quiver just under his skin when he looks down and sees the heat in Dean’s gaze. 

“You with me baby?” Dean asks as he presses a trail of moist, tender, kisses around Gabriel’s belly button before dipping his tongue inside. 

“I don’t know,” Gabriel pants as he pets at Dean’s head. Then his pants are coming off and his boxers with them, and Gabriel’s body is laid bare under the weight of Dean’s gaze. 

“You are so fucking beautiful,” Dean mutters as he runs his hands over Gabriel’s thighs and nuzzles the crease of his hip with his nose. “Perfect.”

“You are so full of shit,” Gabriel huffs as he drags his trembling hands over eyes that feel suddenly wet. “I love you but you are.”

“Am not,” Dean teases gently and he’s licking a stripe up the underside of Gabriel’s dick before he can think to continue the argument. 

One day that’s not going to be so distracting. It is not today but one day Gabriel might be able to hold onto some kind of rational thought. 

It’s embarrassingly fast. Gabriel’s so turned on by that point that a stiff breeze could have knocked him over. But less than a few minutes later he’s tugging on Dean’s hair and begging “Please, baby…please.” Not sure if he’s begging for Dean to stop or go faster. But he’s begging hard. 

Dean slides off his with a pop that makes Gabriel whimper. “You wanna relocate to the bedroom now?”

Gabriel manages a nod of agreement as he struggles into a sitting position and tries to get his fuzzy head to focus on how he’s planning to get there. His leg is on the other side of the couch and his crutches are in the kitchen. Hopping isn’t all that graceful or appealing but he’s yanked out of his thoughts by Dean slipping an arm under his knees and wrapping the other around his back before he picks Gabriel up and starts to carry him out of the living room. 

“You are FUCKING NOT!” Gabriel erupts as a blush breaks out all over his body. This is not happening to him. 

Dean grins even as Gabriel slaps at him weakly and flails. “You can spank me for it later or something okay? I don’t know about you but I’m kind of in a hurry here.”

He takes a second to really look at his lover. Dean’s eyes shine back nothing but humor and enormous affection as he wiggles them through the bedroom door. 

“You will speak of this to no one,” Gabriel orders before kissing Dean with all the love he has in his heart. 

*****

“I got a letter from Cas today,” Gabriel announces while he makes dinner for him and breakfast for Dean. It’s turning into a kind of ritual for them. Dean will find his way over to Gabriel’s after the EMT finishes his day training and before Dean hits the night shift in the ER. Then they share a meal and some conversation, maybe a few moments of being cuddled together in Gabriel’s bed before Dean slips out to work and Gabriel fades off to sleep. Rinse and repeat in the morning. 

It’s not like Dean lives there or anything….yet.

“How’s he doing?” Dean asks with a tiny grin like he knows something big is coming. 

“Apparently translating isn’t as life affirming as it once was for my younger sibling,” Gabriel chuckles. “He’s informed me that he’s packing right now and has plans to be back here with us for Christmas.”

“Well,” Dean sighs. “People change. Maybe he’s just feeling more connected since he spent all that time with you right after the accident. You know, maybe he’s feeling the distance more or something.”

“Oh he’s feeling the distance,” Gabriel snorts. “But it’s not from me and you know it! When were you planning on informing me that our brothers were involved in some kind of intercontinental love affair?”

“Yeah, I found out about it kind of late myself,” Dean sighs. “I guess I wasn’t paying all that much attention to what Sam was really doing when he was showing Cas around to give me some private time with you. I guess they ended up having some kind of connection.”

“Connection?” Gabriel laughs. “Dean, Cas wrote me to say he would be home for Christmas and that he would appreciate you and I figuring out if you were going to move in here with me or if I was going to go to your place with you so that he would know where to send his stuff. He’s planning to live with Sam!”

“You’re shitting me?” Dean gasps finally paying full attention to the conversation. When Gabriel nods Dean laughs, “Way to go Cas!” 

Gabriel brings the plates to the table and drops into a seat next to Dean after placing an affectionate kiss on the other mans temple. “So which is it?”

“Which what?” Dean asks, clearly confused.

“Which apartment, baby?” Gabriel says with no small amount of exasperation. “My brother is serious Dean – and scary. I’m not trying to piss him off. If he wants to give it a shot with Sam then great; I just need to figure out where we’re sleeping.”

“Seriously Gabriel?” Dean asks. “It’s not even a debate. Half my shit is already here and it’s closer to both our jobs. I’m coming over here. Besides that hell hole of an apartment is Sam’s, not mine. He’s just been nice enough to let me stay there since Lisa and I split up. He can have it.”

“I was hoping you would say that,” Gabriel answers with a smile before taking a sip of water. 

“You already wrote him back didn’t you?”

“Yesterday,” Gabriel grins. Dean kicks him under the table.

They eat together in contented silence for a while until Dean shifts in his seat. 

“Speaking of Christmas,” Dean says to his eggs. “I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

“What?” Gabriel fights down a moment of unreasonable panic. There’s something about the way Dean looks, like he’s nervous, that makes the food in Gabriel’s stomach feel like a brick. 

“It’s nothing really,” Dean says like he’s trying to reassure both of them. “My dad’s coming to visit, that’s all.”

*****

“So,” John Winchester comments as he sits down to what Gabriel figures is the oddest family dinner in the history of mankind. It’s like a bad joke; a moose, a male nurse, an unemployed religious translator, and guy with one leg sit down to eat with a big rig driver. What the hell was he thinking when he said he’d host this mess. “It’s good to finally meet you Gabriel. I’ve heard a lot about you over the years, hard to believe this is the first time I’ve actually seen you in person.”

“Yes,” Gabriel stammers. “Life’s weird like that sometimes isn’t it?”

“Yep,” John says with a nod. “Doesn’t matter how long you live, you never know for sure where the road’s going to lead you.”

It’s actually going better than Gabriel thought it would. Cas is as aloof as ever, sitting across the table eating vegetables and cranberry sauce slowly like he didn’t down three glasses of wine to settle his nerves before the Winchester brothers arrived with their father in tow. Sam’s as stiff as a petrified wood off to his dad’s left. The lines of tension between the two men as clear as if they were painted in red on the table cloth. Dean at Gabriel’s left, sitting and eating like he’s having the meal of a lifetime and seemingly at ease, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s gripping Gabriel’s knee so tightly under the table that Gabriel’s wondering if he’s going to have bruises tomorrow. 

John just looks tired. 

“So Castiel,” John asks as he leans back in his chair with his beer. “Seems you’ve gone through a lot of changes recently; are you feeling settled in yet?”

“Dad,” Sam starts, defensive and clearly wanting to keep the focus off of his new lover. 

“Settled may not be the appropriate term,” Cas interrupts. “Though things are coming together nicely.”

“Must be hard to leave everything you know behind like that,” John comments. 

“Not when everything you love in the world is waiting for you somewhere else,” Cas says with a quiet authority. “I found the waiting difficult. The decision was actually quite refreshing.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?” John presses and Gabriel has to give the guy credit. He’s digging in Sam’s best interest even though he clearly knows his youngest son is about to have a fit. 

“Then Gabriel and Dean will have to get a bigger apartment,” Cas chuckles. “Sam will need a place to sleep.”

Gabriel can’t help the bark of laugher that erupts out of his chest at his brother’s evil grin and Sam’s shocked face. Dean makes a noise that sounds like a squeak and Sam just goes pale. 

“Something funny?” John asks him.

“Yep,” Gabriel snorts. “You.” At John’s raised eyebrow he continues with, “I mean, you come in here all serious and overbearing like we’re all teenagers and about to take your daughters out on a first date. But seriously? I’m thirty five. My brother’s a grown ass man and so are your sons. Never mind the fact that Dean works in the down town ER on the night shift which is scary enough but I lost a leg less than eight months ago and Sam’s an elementary school teacher which is more frightening than anything else I’ve ever experienced.”

“What are you saying, son?” John’s leaning forward now focusing all of his attention on Gabriel.

“I’m saying you don’t scare me so quit the bull shit and eat your food, enjoy the time with your kids, and maybe we’ll have you back when we get married,” Gabriel orders. 

You could hear a pin drop around the table for a long moment before John laughs, deep and loud and says, “I like you. You don’t pull any punches do you?”

“Being touchy feely isn’t really my game,” Gabriel admits with a grin. 

“That’s not the impression I got from Dean,” John answers. 

“Fuck me,” Dean blurts loudly; then tries to cover with a quickly asked, “Who wants pie?”

It’s later after the food is put away and Sam and Cas have headed back to their place for the night that Gabriel finally understands why John Winchester is such a big deal for his kids. 

Dean’s just headed off for his shift at the ER, something he does so that some of the other nurses who have kids can be home with their children for an early Christmas morning. It’s just another reason why Gabriel loves him; one of many, many reasons. 

“I always thought there was something about the way he talked about you,” John says from the entry way to the living room. “But you never saw it did you, son?”

“No,” Gabriel says with a shake of his head. “I was clueless until I was really late for coffee.”

It’s an inside joke and Gabriel knows John doesn’t understand, but the older man doesn’t ask and he doesn’t offer more of an explanation. 

“He loves you, loved you for a long time before he said anything,” John comments as he sits down in the recliner.

“I love him too,” Gabriel answers with a tinge of warning in his tone. 

John waves his hand at Gabriel in a dismissing gesture. “I’m not trying to start a fight here. I’m just trying to tell you that I’ve always known Sam was going to go his own way. Dean being with you just sort of caught me by surprise.”

“Are we going to have a problem here?” Gabriel asks. 

“Nope,” John answers. “I’m fucking this all up. What I’m trying to say kid is that I always figured Dean for the picket fence, two point five kids, kind of guy. But that’s not how it’s turned out and I want you to know I’m good with that. My son’s happy; you seem like a good guy. The two of you are good together. So for what it’s worth you have my blessing.”

“Thank you,” Gabriel murmurs. “I appreciate that.”

There’s a moment of companionable silence but Gabriel’s never been able to not push his luck so he adds, “Are you going to give the same speech to Sam and my brother?”

“Nope,” John says with a smile. “Sam wouldn’t hear it from me. Everything with me and that boy is a battle. But between you and me; your brother looks at my boy the way Sam’s mother looked at me before she died. So I figure they’re going to be good for each other too. Don’t tell Sam I said that though, he might dump Cas just because I said I approve of him.”

“That bad huh?” Gabriel asks.

“You have no idea,” John answers with a sigh. He looks exhausted by the whole thing but Gabriel can’t help but wonder what his parents might have thought of the whole situation if they were still alive. 

He misses his family, maybe more now than he ever has before. 

*****  
 _Invictus_  
Out of the night that covers me,  
Black as the pit from pole to pole,  
I thank whatever gods may be  
For my unconquerable soul.  
In the fell clutch of circumstance  
I have not winced nor cried aloud.  
Under the bludgeonings of chance  
My head is bloody, but unbowed.  
Beyond this place of wrath and tears  
Looms but the Horror of the shade,  
And yet the menace of the years  
Finds and shall find me unafraid.  
It matters not how strait the gate,  
How charged with punishments the scroll,  
I am the master of my fate:  
I am the captain of my soul.  
It’s framed. Something hand made that Gabriel will never know how Cas got the time or learned the skill. Made by his brother out of love and devotion, mirroring that bond that they share so intimately; Gabriel lets out a shaky breath as he reads the words again and again in silence.   
“It’s beautiful Cas,” Gabriel whispers as he trails his fingers along the frame.  
He doesn’t ask why this poem amongst all the ones his sibling could have picked, but when he raises his eyes away from the gift something in his face must give him away.   
“William Henry is the poet,” Cas answers the unspoken question from his perch on Sam’s lap. “He wrote it after his leg was amputated just below his knee. When I read it now, it reminds me of you. I wanted you to have it so you always have a reminder of how the people who love you really see you.”  
“This is how you see me?” Gabriel asks, dumbfounded by the meaning behind the words. “This poem is about someone fierce and strong. Someone who never gave up; it’s not about me.”  
“Sounds like you to me, man,” Sam offers.   
“It’s perfect,” Dean comments. “Now you just have to decide where to hang it here since you aren’t going to have a classroom anymore.”  
“We don’t know that for sure yet,” Gabriel cautions.   
“You passed the tests right?” John asks. When they nod he adds, “The doctor cleared you?”  
“Yes,” Gabriel answers then hurries to add, “But the department is still reviewing my medical records. I don’t want to get my hopes up yet.”  
“It’s going to be fine,” John comments dismissively.   
“Glad you’re so sure about it Dad,” Dean snorts.   
“Son,” John chuckles. “When you lived as long as I have you learn a few things. One of them is that people don’t like to lose good employees. Gabriel’s a hard worker, he’s good at what he does and he was injured in the line of duty. Those guys may be his bosses but they care about him too. They want him to come back, if they can make it happen they will.”  
“I hope to hell that’s true,” Dean sighs as he reaches out to grip Gabriel’s left leg and run his thumb along where the prosthesis begins in a way that only he ever gets away with. “I’m sick of us being on two different schedules. If they won’t let you back on the midnight runs as an EMT I’m going to have to look for a nursing job I can do during the day and kiss the ER goodbye.”  
“But you love the ER,” Gabriel exclaims.   
“I love you dumb ass,” Dean snorts. “It’s a job; being with you is way more important to me. I’m just really tired of having to make time for us when we could make a few changes and have a lot more time together.”   
He leans back into Dean’s touch a little more securely then, as the conversation moves on to Cas’ interview next week. Someone from the local university that says they may need him to do some translating. Gabriel watches the ebb and flow of the people around him, comfortable, intimate, and smiles as he realizes that this is his family now, whole and here and full of love.   
*****  
“Dean,” Gabriel gasps. “Jesus baby, the things you do to me.”  
The hot press of Dean’s knees hugging his hips as the other man straddles him on the bed alone is enough to make Gabriel squirm; add to it the fact that Dean’s just slid down onto Gabriel’s dick and is setting a pace for their fucking that’s guaranteed to rip Gabriel’s orgasm out of him embarrassingly quickly, and both men are already just a little bit out of control.   
Dean hisses after a hard slam down and Gabriel groans while he grabs his hips and tries to stop Dean’s motions, “Don’t hurt yourself baby, easy.”  
“Feels so fucking good,” Dean whimpers. “You fill me up so good Gabriel. Going to send me to work tonight full of your come.”  
“Oh holy shit Dean,” Gabriel moans. “If you aren’t careful you’re going to go into work with a limp you’re making me so hot.”  
“Promises, promises,” Dean teases, shifting his hips and grinding down while Gabriel thrusts up. It’s all Gabriel can take.   
He grabs Dean’s hips and rolls them over so that he’s on top. There’s some scrambling and struggling while they get their bearings, but when they work it out Gabriel has Dean’s knees spread wide and he’s thrusting into his lover at an angle that he can tell is making Dean crazy, because the other man’s mirth has faded into pleading babble and desperate whimpers.   
“You’re going to come like this you know,” Gabriel growls. “Spread open so wide with me slamming into your ass. You’re going to come without me touching your dick. You’re just going to ride my dick until you get off on it aren’t you, sexy?”  
Gabriel’s not sure Dean’s really paying attention, he’s squirming and almost howling as Gabriel’s dick hits his prostate again and again. They don’t do it like this very often. The pressure from the sheets and the friction from Gabriel’s movements can irritate his stump, but it’s worth it to have Dean so totally under his control.   
Gabriel’s going back to work tonight with this in his mind, with the vision of Dean coming apart underneath him instead of all the worries he’s been having about what the night’s going to go like. Instead he’ll be thinking about how Dean probably feels standing on his feet all night after Gabriel’s made him come so hard he sees stars.   
He knows it’s almost over when Dean starts keening high in his throat and digging into Gabriel’s back with his hands. He leans down and nips at Dean’s chest before whispering, “You can do it baby, let it all go for me. I’ll take care of you I promise. I love you so much Dean.”  
He thinks it’s the ‘I love you,’ that does it. Dean’s eyes snap open and he catches Gabriel’s gaze just before his body tenses up and he sobs out his orgasm without even getting a hand on his dick. The clench of Dean’s muscles around him drags Gabriel after, and he spends a long moment pressing tender kisses along Dean’s neck as he waits for the world to roll back into focus.   
Dean’s humming happily under his attention when Gabriel finally shoves himself up and slips off to the side. “We need a shower,” Dean chuckles weakly. “I’m going to get laughed at enough at work tonight for walking funny; I do NOT need to smell like sex for my entire shift and neither do you.”  
Gabriel’s tempted to argue, there’s a lot appealing in the idea of putting on his uniform and bringing the scent of his lover to work with him tonight. The thought of Dean’s scent being so close to him if he needs it for comfort tempting beyond belief; but he nods and strokes his hands through Dean’s short hair as the other man moves to the edge of the bed.   
“Help me to the bathroom?” Gabriel questions, trying for coy but Dean one ups him by standing and wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s body and lifting him off his feet before walking backwards out into the hall and from there into the bathroom. “We’ve talked about this,” Gabriel mutters while he blushes.   
“I’m not carrying you like a bride,” Dean argues. “I’m just helping you to the bathroom rather exuberantly.”  
“You are hauling me like a piece of meat,” Gabriel snorts.   
“You like it,” Dean whispers, dipping his head to suck on the skin along Gabriel’s neck. “You don’t have to admit it but I can tell.”   
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gabriel huffs as Dean reaches around him to start the water in the shower.   
“Say what you want babe,” Dean answers with a shake of his head. “There’s a part of you that likes me taking care of you. You like me being able to pick you up and swing you around, you like me being with you like this, being the little spoon.”   
“So what if I do,” Gabriel challenges as Dean walks them backwards into the shower and into the warm spray.  
“I like it too,” Dean mutters before he leans in for a kiss. Gabriel contemplates that they might both be late to work tonight and that maybe that’s not such a bad thing. But Dean’s more focused than Gabriel is and as much as his touches are affectionate and caring they’re also focused.   
They put on their clothes and hold each other for a minute before stepping out the front door. “You’re going to do great babe,” Dean whispers before going toward his car.   
Gabriel finds himself driving to work for his first night shift back out on the road before he really has time to think about it. He doesn’t realize how nervous he is until he’s halfway to the station.  
*****  
“Jo Harvelle,” his new rookie partner says with an outstretched hand as Gabriel walks into the station.   
“You’re…..young,” Gabriel blurts because he’s nervous and his vocal filter was never very good.   
That and it’s true, she looks like she’s fresh out of middle school. Gabriel gives her the once over with a raised eyebrow and immediately starts thinking about what this girl probably doesn’t know to do in the field and how he’s going to have to keep and eye on her.   
“I might be young,” Jo responds. “But at least I have all my digits.”  
He hears a chair scrape from somewhere to his left and he figures one of his old squad buddies is coming to his rescue. Time to remind these guys that he doesn’t need it. “OUCH!” he says to his new partner with a chuckle. “But do you still count toes when you lost your whole foot? That seems kind of pointless to me really.”  
She has the decency to blush and while her head is bowed he adds, “Nice try, but if you’re going to insult me you’re going to have to work a little harder. Nasty remarks about my lack of leg or my nasty disposition aren’t going to do it. I wrote the book on that shit.”  
He’s strolling past her towards the kitchen as he tosses over his shoulder, “I’m gay too. You could try that but insulting someone’s sexuality is kind of last season.”  
He leaves the room to rounds of heavy laughter and a smile on his face. It’s good to be home.   
By the time Friday night rolls into early Saturday morning Jo’s starting to speak to him again. She doesn’t exactly apologize, but that just makes Gabriel respect her a little more than he already does. She’s ballsy, he has to give her that much. Smart too, she has good instincts for people and keeps an eye on the crowd when their first call together ends up being about a drunken guy that fell down a flight of stairs at a night club.   
“You did good in there,” he offers as they drive back to the station for supplies.   
“My mother runs a bar,” Jo says with a shrug. “That kind of stuff is easy for me to handle. It’s the pregnant women in labor or the nuts on the side of bridge you have to watch out for me with. I’ve got no clue how to deal with that shit.”  
He laughs with her for a moment before commenting, “Nuts I can handle and pregnant women are pretty easy, you just get to the ER as fast as you can and tell them to blame it all on the baby’s father. Now me? I’m pretty well rounded. There’s only a few things you need watch out for me about.”  
“And those are?” Jo asks.  
“Ice,” Gabriel says seriously. “I bust my ass all the time on it and if we have to stop by the downtown ER tonight I’m going to be useless.”  
“Why?”   
“My husband works there,” Gabriel says with a grin.   
It’s not an hour later they’re driving into the emergency room with their lights flashing. Dean meets them at the door as they roll the guy in. “What’s the story on this one?” Dean asks as they head down the hallway.  
“Meg Masters,” Gabriel rattles off. “Involved in a college prank war with her sorority sisters, little too much of the hard liquor and she’s standing on the balcony of her apartment building thinking she can fly. Turns out she can’t. Sad for her but it was only a two story drop. So bruised ribs, broken ankle, lots of shame.”  
“Oh,” Dean chuckles as they roll her to a curtained off area. “Penguin.”  
Gabriel laughs even as the other medical staff members hang their heads and groan at the bad joke.   
“I don’t get it,” Jo whispers to him while he’s handing papers over to Dean for him to sign.   
“Penguins can’t fly,” Gabriel whispers back. He’s distracted for a few minutes as Dean gives him a raised eyebrow and points to his leg. Gabriel shrugs and waves his hand back and forth. He appreciates the discretion, Gabriel’s not used to being this active for this long and his leg is starting to get sore. But the shift is slowing down and he gets off in a few hours. Dean’s brow wrinkles in worry but Gabriel smiles and squeezes his arm as he and Jo go to head back out.   
Dean’s yelling down the hallway as they get to the door, “Are we still on for coffee after our shifts?”  
“Aren’t we always?” Gabriel teases as he backs out the door. “See you at seven.”  
“You’re going to be late,” Dean accuses with a wide smile.   
“You’ll wait for me,” Gabriel replies with a wave. “You always do.”


End file.
